Awareness Is Only The First Step. #MeToo

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I have a strong self defense background. I grew up practicing martial arts. After practice, I’d have to walk home well after dark in a crappy, half unlit neighborhood. Not once did I ever run into trouble. It wasn’t luck. It was because I was ready. My body language projected confidence, and that I’d be a hell of a lot more trouble than it was worth.

So how does something like this happen not once, but twice in college?

The problem isn’t just an issue of awareness. It’s a flaw in our society that runs much deeper. Women and men with these experiences are often too ashamed or fearful to speak up at. By speaking up, we not only have to relive the experience but now we’re labelled by our peers. We instead bury the experience until in manifests in unhealthy or erratic behavior. People without the experience would rather not think about it, and dismiss the possibility entirely that something like this won’t happen to them or someone they love. The problem is a lack of a well thought out conversation with our children.

Predators look for easy, unsuspecting targets. We don’t our kids to be alert and project confidence in potentially harmful situations. We don’t teach them how to handle themselves if they find themselves in one.

We don’t teach them that potentially harmful situations aren’t always dark and deserted streets or parking lots. We don’t teach children that the greatest threat of something like this ISN’T always from someone we don’t know, but by someone we DO and therefore our guard is down.

We don’t teach our children the many ways that we naturally let our guard down that make us easy targets. Like something as innocent and common as going out for drinks with friends. A BAC of 0.04–0.06 creates a feeling of well-being, euphoria, warmth, and relaxation. It lower inhibitions, causes minor impairment of reasoning, memory, and caution. It’s easy to not realize whats going until it’s too late. Especially if it’s someone we know.

We don’t teach our children to be alert to someone in a position of power. We unknowingly give people with authority more leeway than normal. We don’t teach about acceptable boundaries. After something happens, the repercussions of disrupting the environment we’re both involved in often seems more trouble than it’s worth.

Awareness is the first step. But lets not stop there. Lets teach children the multitude of innocent yet potentially dangerous situations that there are. Lets teach them how to be vigilant and not be easy targets. More-so, lets teach them how to look out for each other.

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How a Man With a Hole In His Head Can Help You Make Better Decisions

One of the biggest fallacies I hear today is when people tell themselves or others, to 'remove your emotions from the decision making equation.' Those who can't seem to or don't are labelled as weak or emotional. But the fact of the matter is, the more in tuned you are with your emotions, the better your decisions will be. Too little or too much emotions versus a balance is what separates mediocre decisions from great ones. The problem with using too little emotion or too much is that we don't know they are poor decisions until it's too late. 

How do we know this? Neuroscience...

Allow me to explain this by telling you a quick story of Phineas Gage. The railroad construction company that he worked for had described him as their most 'efficient and reliable foreman.' One of his responsibilities as a foreman was to remove rocks with explosives to clear the way for the railroad. This entailed sprinkling gunpowder into blasting holes, and then tamping the powder down, gently, with an iron rod. Once this was done, an assistant would then pour in sand, which was tamped down hard to confine the bang to a small space. At its widest, the rod had a diameter of 1¼ inches, although the last foot—the part Gage held near his head when tamping—tapered to a point. Gage’s crew members were loading some busted rock onto a cart, and they apparently distracted him. Somehow a spark shot out somewhere in the dark cavity, igniting the gunpowder, and the tamping iron rocketed upward.

The iron entered Gage’s head point-first, striking below the left cheekbone. It destroyed an upper molar, passed behind his left eye, and tore into the underbelly of his brain’s left frontal lobe. It then plowed through the top of his skull, exiting near the midline, just behind where his hairline started. After passing through his scull, the rod landed 25 yards away and stuck itself upright in the dirt.

The rod’s momentum threw Gage backward. Amazingly he didn't die, and he claimed he never lost consciousness. He twitched a few times on the ground where he landed, and was talking and up walking again within minutes. Physically, he made a full recovery in about 3 months. His mental state, however was a completely different story. 

The rod had damaged his frontal lobe, more specifically the ventromedial prefrontal cortex of his brain. This area is associated with concentration, emotion and other higher brain functions.

His mind, like many others who had brain damage to the same area, was so profoundly changed that the company refused to rehire their once best foreman. His doctor described him after the accident as impulsive, impatient, fickle, unstable and stubborn. He further described Gage as, 'although a “smart, shrewd businessman” before, Gage now lacked money sense, and that Gage, 'was no longer Gage, but rather an ill behaved child.' Yet Gage's intellectual ability, motor functions and memory remained completely intact. What he lacked was self control and the ability to appropriately include emotions and feelings in his decision making ability. Moreover, he was unable to make important personal decisions in ways that maximized his self interest. 

The takeaway message is that emotions are not only vital to decision making, especially as far as fear, risk, as with other emotions that are integrated into our decision making, but more so the realization that the two intrinsically intertwined at a neurological level. As long as we have fully functional and intact prefrontal cortex, we can't separate emotions from our decisions. Furthermore, to make everyday decisions without our emotions could be utterly disastrous. Fear helps us to manage risk. Anger urges us to stand for what is right. Guilt is our soul's call to action that we must make amends. Worry warns us of scenarios that could play out if we aren't careful. Sadness reminds us to not take for granted what's truly important and to appreciate what makes us truly happy. Shame is appeal to our higher self to take pride in and respect ourselves, to invigorate our self esteem. 

The key is balancing our emotions and gathering deeper insights on what situations mean so we can move forward more wisely. We do this by developing out emotional intelligence. Now people with a higher level of emotional intelligence (EI) may exhibit lower emotional responses then people with less EI, but they still have an emotional response in volatile situations or after a series of poor performance results. They just use the information that their emotions provide them to make more wiser overall decisions. 

How do you develop emotional intelligence? The short answer is to do performance and mindset work, with the added caveat that the work must be practiced regularly. We are ever evolving, and therefore the work is life long.

I've written several articles on it to help do just that, here are a few:

How to Cultivate Self Awareness Like a BOSS with 4 Simple Strategies

What's REALLY Holding You Back... 

How Our Inner Voice Sabotages Us

How to Bounce Back From a Bad Performance Like a BOSS! 

PS. If you're curious about my services, please don't hesitate to contact me or CLICK HERE for more info!

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How to Cultivate Self Awareness Like a BOSS with 4 Simple Strategies

When it comes to mastering your limiting beliefs and conquering the ones that limit you, the first step is always awareness. We hear about awareness, but what does it really mean?

Self-awareness is the capacity for introspection and the ability to recognize and acknowledge our feelings, desires, and motives. It's our ability to, even in the heat of the moment, to take a step back and reflect on how we are being in any given moment. To own up to what we did to contribute to the situation at hand, to take responsibility for our actions, and with all that in mind, make a more wiser decision that would be the best interest in the long run for all parties.  

But why bother with self awareness? 

The most obvious reason is that it will improve your relationships with your friends, coworkers, bosses, clients, family, partner, kids, and even yourself. We all know what it's like to have uncomfortable tension with someone we have to interact with regularly, or the slow rot that occurs when there is unaddressed resentment hanging between people. We all are well aware of it's long term affects.  How is it serving you to continue on the path of present status quo?

The second reason is that it cultivates our leadership abilities. Think about your best and worst leaders. No doubt names and/or faces popped into your head just now for each category. What about them caused you to categorize them as such? It wasn't their title, their degree, what they owned, but rather everything to do with WHO they are. Who they are has everything to do with their level of self awareness, their character and their capacity for emotional intelligence. People want to work for some that has all that, not someone who doesn't. If you want people to listen to you and follow you, then this is the first step. 

How do you cultivate self awareness? 

First and foremost it's a life-long practice. It's not like a drivers license where you study for it once, pass the test, and you have for the rest of your life as long as submit the renewal paper work every couple of year (or unless you screw up). While it doesn't require monk-like devotion, how deep down the rabbit hole you go depends entirely on you. In other words, how deep you want to go with it all depends on the quality of life you want to create for yourself. The quality of your life is directly proportional to how self aware you are...

The first step is to ask yourself these questions:

  1. What is the highest expression of quality of life that I can envision for myself?
  2. Who would I need to become to create that?
  3. What would my life look like when I do?
  4. What wouldn't I have to deal with anymore when I do?
  5. What would I have once I've created it?
  6. What steps do I need to take in order to get there?

Once you've answered those questions, here are some easy things you can do daily to cultivate it. 

  1. Check Yourself: Scan your body, notice any obvious areas where you may be holding onto any tension. Take a few slow, deep breaths and focus on relaxing and letting that tension go. Continue to slow and deepen your breath, and then do scan your body slowly from head to toe.  Soften your body as you go. Release any tension that you find. Focus on relaxing your body.  Notice the sensations breath slowly entering and exiting your body. Take a moment to pause after every inhale and after every exhale. You'll do wonders for your mind and body just by spending even 30 seconds on this several times a day.
  2. Detox from technology: Whether it be our phones, tablets, laptops or the TV... Most of us constantly have at least one of these devices consuming our attention at all times of the day and night. While they may be vital to our lives and livelihood, each of us has formed some form of dependency. Whenever we have even a few minutes of time to kill or when we get bored, we turn to our devices. Even in the middle of meaningful company, how many times in the past have you checked your device instead of being fully present and giving someone your full attention? Some things you can do is to consciously resist the urge to check your device for the sake of checking it. Or perhaps practice spending a certain amount of quiet everyday with family, friends and yourself without one. Or maybe leaving your device outside of your bedroom so that you aren't checking it before bed and right as you wake up. You may feel lost at first. You may feel compulsory urges to get your device.  It may even be painful. If so, that's a good indication that you some form of addiction to technology...
  3. Take time to smell the roses: Cliche I know, but it's good advice. Take a few moments everyday to enjoy the simple things. Whether it be quality time with your kids or partner or pets, the tranquility of nature, a sunrise or sunset, or a beautiful scenery on your commute. Or perhaps doing something creative like drawing. Doing little things that bring you joy in the moment helps you to stop the mind chatter, and it gives you a fresh perspective on life that you otherwise may have spent stuck your head.
  4. Practice self reflection: Focus on spending time with your emotions or reflecting on how you could have handled situations even better. Ask yourself: What are you feeling right now? Explore the emotion and breath into it. Why are you feeling it, what led to that, what triggered it? If they're negative emotions, are these current events triggering a negative emotion from an old wound? If so, how is it clouding your judgement? What's the positive lesson that would resolve it?

Try them! Pick one or pick them all! You may not notice anything at first, but results favor the committed! The results of self awareness will include, but not limited to, an improvement to your family, your friends, your health, your wellbeing, your relationships, your qualities as a leader and with every aspect of your life!

PS. If you're curious about my services, please don't hesitate to contact me or CLICK HERE for more info!

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Why Pursuing Happiness Is Pursuing Failure

Derek Sivers said in his book "Anything You Want", "Most people don’t know why they’re doing what they’re doing. They imitate others, go with the flow, and follow paths without making their own. They spend decades in pursuit of something that someone convinced them they should want, without realizing that it won’t make them happy.” The problem is that people spend their entire lives pursuing goals, getting into relationships and buying thing that they think will make them happy.

What's more, is that a good majority of the population don't think they deserve to be happy or are good enough to be happy. So people spend their life going from relationship, to thing, to job, to relationship, to thing, to job and so on, in pursuit of happiness all while falling short of that pursuit because they don't think they are good enough. Or if they get it, it doesn't last because they think that by 'having' it they should then automatically be happy. And when that doesn't happen, they are on to the next thing. Or when they aren't happy, they either grow despondent or disillusioned, and then they end up self sabotaging themselves. It's no wonder there is so much discontent in the world today.

Money, relationships and stuff. Those are the top 3 extrinsic things people pursue. But each one of them is simply a means to the end. Money to buy the stuff and 'freedom'. The stuff to give us experiences and a feeling of novelty. The freedom to do what you want, when you want and with who you want - so in essence time, experiences and peace of mind. The relationship to give us connection and love. So in a rough nut shell, what we really want is more time, peace of mind, love, connection, novelty, and experiences. All of which are intrinsic. Furthermore, there are other intrinsic things that contribute to our happiness and add meaning to our lives such as a healthy body, solid character, autonomy, to matter, mastery and purpose. We chase the extrinsic things to achieve the intrinsic things. What would happen if instead we cultivated the intrinsic things while pursuing the extrinsic things?

Christine L. Carter Ph.D., a sociologist and happiness expert at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, and author of “The Sweet Spot: How to Find Your Groove at Work and Home” explains:

“Compelling research indicates that the pursuit of happiness — when our definition of happiness is synonymous with pleasure and easy gratification — won’t ultimately bring us deeper feelings of fulfillment; it won’t allow us to live in our sweet spot. Although we claim that the “pursuit of happiness” is our inalienable right and the primary driver of the human race, we humans do better pursuing fulfillment and meaning — creating lives that generate the feeling that we matter.”

So while in the pursuit of money and a relationship, why not find and appreciate all things we have in our daily life along the way? Then anything extra is just icing on the cake, isn't it? What if instead of trading time for money, and waiting for that one day or that one person in the distant future to make us happy, we instead decided to be happy and grateful in the here and now? True happiness is compacting the largest amount of life into the moments that we have NOW. Not someday in the distant future when you have this, achieve that or when you are with 'that' person. It's also believing you deserve it and that you are good enough for it. So why not give all of that to yourself now?

PS. If you're curious about my services, please don't hesitate to contact me or CLICK HERE for more info!

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Banish Procrastination at the Root Cause (Part Three)

I once heard someone say that procrastination isn't a behavior, it's LACK of a behavior. You see procrastination is a SYMPTOM, not the cause itself. Therefore it's a lack of a behavior in response to something else. Something much deeper. It's why it seems sometimes that no amount  of reasoning and willpower will make any difference—in fact, they’ll leave you sometimes feeling burned out and worse off than before. So what is that something else? Below are twelve possible things. In part one I covered the first four. Here we will cover the last four...

  1. Feeling overwhelmed or overcommitted
  2. Lacking motivation or relevance
  3. Too much time or not enough
  4. Magnifying a task
  5. Unclear where to start
  6. Fear of success or failure
  7. You don't want to acknowledge your shortcomings
  8. You have an "all-or-nothing" mindset/Perfectionism
  9. You're too hard on yourself and lack enough self compassion
  10. Acceptance of Another’s Goals
  11. Fear of the unknown
  12. Evaluation anxiety

(1-8 previously covered)

You're Too Hard on Yourself and Lack Enough Self Compassion

Do you feel like you push yourself hard but still never meet the expectation in your mind? Do you beat yourself up when you don't? Are you your own worst critic?

We do this without thinking and without recognizing it. We beat ourselves up with the things we should be doing or should have by now. There's a self righteous appeal to self punishment. That by paying some sort of penance will be given forgiveness and acceptance. That we'll be deserving of our own self compassion. They key here, like with many other things, is awareness and balance. Your inner critic serves you too a point. It reminds you to strive for higher standards and that you are capable of so much more. Too little of the inner critic and you become sloppy and/or apathetic. Aim to balance excellence with self compassion. Continuous analysis is key except when it gets to the point of paralysis. Too much of anything becomes a weakness, but anything in moderation is a happy medium!

Acceptance of Another’s Goals

This is one of the places where the proverbial phrase of 'going through the motions' comes from. We're going along for the ride, but we haven't yet drunk the Kool-Aid. Whether we have to, we don't want to make waves or we're indifferent to someone else's end goals, we go along with someone else's plan, but we aren't committed to it ourselves. We may not agree to the rational or care about the goal itself, and if that's the case, procrastination gives us a cushion of time between us and what we're not really motivated to do. If deep down we don't agree to the process or goal, we may be even procrastinating as a way to either passive aggressively sabotage the process or out of spite towards the person who's goal we are reluctantly moving towards. The main thing with this one is to realize we are hurting ourselves more then them. We are harboring negative feelings - whether those be demotivation, reluctance, guilt, dissatisfaction, disillusion, disenchanted, or doubt - until the inevitable of either whatever it is getting down after a lot of wasted mental energy on our part, or a confrontation with the other person. The time leading up to, during and after the confrontation, causes an equal an opposite feeling of negativity from that person to you. While we may be subconsciously or consciously doing this out of spite - in the short term it may feel good, but in the long run it doesn't serve you in the least bit. The key to this one is CLARITY, communication and Acceptance. Get clear on what it exactly what you want. Communicate it respectfully but unapologetically, and stand your ground. In the case that you are in a subordinate position, accept that it must get done, and the faster you do, the faster you can put the matter behind you. And that's what you REALLY want, isn't it?

Fear of the Unknown

This one fear is the secret hidden driver of some many of our actions. It's where the phrase, "better the devil you know, then the devil you don't" stems from. It keeps us at status quo. Being comfortably miserable becomes acceptable. Our worst fears of 'what if' or 'what could go wrong' are given wings and become the predominant most likely possible future in our minds. As a result, it becomes an even better idea to put off the 'inevitable' possibility of our downfall. The comfort of familiarity becomes our 'only' choice for our ongoing survival. The delay of the pain becomes our instant gratification. The longer the fear has a hold of us, the deeper it's roots cling into our subconscious mind and into our very way of Being. When we want to change this, we go against however many years of ingrained behavior to the contrary! The good news is that the more we realize and remind ourselves of this absurdity, the less and less of a hold it has on us. For some it can be instant, others, depending on how entrenched this fear is, may take a bit longer.

Evaluation Anxiety

This stems from our primal desires to be loved, wanted and needed. Its instinct to want to be accept and feel that we belong. Disapproval tugs at our primal fear of being shunned from the village or tribe. This occurs because the person who is evaluating us may have the power over our financial or career security. These fears are amplified when we are underperforming or have an evaluator who has a history of being harsh and/or unfair. They are even further amplified when we put the evaluator on a pedestal. The good news is that when we realize this for what it is, we can begin to put distance between us and our own anxieties. We can also begin to take steps to reducing that power. You can do this by making sure you have other job opportunities always as an option. Or perhaps another source of alternate income so that all your eggs aren't all in one basket.

PS. If you're curious about my services, please don't hesitate to contact me or CLICK HERE for more info!

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Banish Procrastination at the Root Cause (Part Two)

I once heard someone say that procrastination isn't a behavior, it's LACK of a behavior. You see procrastination is a SYMPTOM, not the cause itself. Therefore it's a lack of a behavior in response to something else. Something much deeper. It's why it seems sometimes that no amount  of reasoning and willpower will make any difference—in fact, they’ll leave you sometimes feeling burned out and worse off than before. So what is that something else? Below are twelve possible things. In part one I covered the first four. Here we will cover the next four...

  1. Feeling overwhelmed or overcommitted
  2. Lacking motivation or relevance
  3. Too much time or not enough
  4. Magnifying a task
  5. Unclear where to start
  6. Fear of success or failure
  7. You don't want to acknowledge your shortcomings
  8. You have an "all-or-nothing" mindset/Perfectionism
  9. You're too hard on yourself and lack enough self compassion
  10. Acceptance of Another’s Goals
  11. Fear of the unknown
  12. Evaluation anxiety

Unclear Where to Start

When this is the case, procrastinating is just something we do because it seems like the most manageable option. Feeling like we're unclear where to start is a result of two things. The first is that we're new to the task and therefore have yet to gain the experience on how to go about it effectively or we still haven't yet mastered the required skill. The second is that again there's so much to do and we feel overwhelmed. In Part One I addressed how to handle overwhelm. Another way to handle it is to dissociate it. Instead of being fully associated with it, take a step back and change your perspective. How would this problem look it were finished and you were reviewing it post mortem. See yourself already having completed the task with ease an grace and breaking it up into bite sized chunks and handling it easily one at a time. When we do this, we eliminate the subconscious need to procrastinate.

Fear of Success or Failure

Procrastinating is one way to NOT have to deal with our fears. This fundamentally challenges issues regarding our beliefs on whether or not we are good enough, deserving enough and our ability to handle the changes associated with it. Changing our beliefs on our own can be time consuming and complex, but much simpler if working with someone who can. But first we have to admit it to ourselves, recognize how it's holding us back, and be willing to seek assistance to face it. Why seek assistance? Because if it were so easy to do on our own, we would have done it by now. Check out my webinar for more on this! 

You Don't Want to Acknowledge Your Shortcomings

This we are all guilty of. Whether we it be pride, shame or some mixture in between, any of which will prevent us from getting to admit and to come to terms with our own limitations. Putting things off is a great way to avoiding that. Unfortunately however, it doesn't allow us to move forward. A good thing to remember is that EVERYONE has shortcomings. No one is immune to them, the quicker you are to admitting them and figuring out how to capitalize on your strengths, the sooner you will level up and rise above your colleagues!

You Have An "All-Or-Nothing" Mindset/Perfectionism

If you've ever played poker and gone all in, you know that this is a binary game. Only two things can happen, you win and get to play a little longer and to revel in the spectacular short lived glory, or you're 100% out and dealing with a whole new set negative emotions. As is life, if you only allow for two options, then you're setting yourself up for a 50% chance of getting wiped out. Which means you're likely experiencing a life teemed with rollercoaster results. Your anxiety levels will be high, nerves constantly strained, and it'll be common to experience similar dramas in other areas of your life. How you do anything, is most likely how you do everything. Part of you has come to grips with this which is why you may be procrastinating on moving forward. Part of you doesn't want to face the possibility of falling short. Life is about zigging and zagging. The thing to remember is that you CAN believe you are the best and BE the best, and at the same time accept that you aren't always going to show up at your best. Anything less is setting yourself up for the most unrealistic and utterly exhausting expectations which will take an emotional tole on you, if it already hasn't. How is that serving you? 

To Be Continued...

PS. If you're curious about my services, please don't hesitate to contact me or CLICK HERE for more info!

Banish Procrastination at the Root (Part One)

I once heard someone say that procrastination isn't a behavior, it's LACK of a behavior. You see procrastination is a SYMPTOM, not the cause itself. Therefore it's a lack of a behavior in response to something else. It's why it seems sometimes that no amount  of reasoning and willpower will make any difference—in fact, they’ll leave you sometimes feeling burned out and worse off than before. So what is that something else? It's different for each of us. If it's a small thing, it' can be as simple as we're just too tired. But if procrastination is cutting into your productivity and potentially affecting the bigger picture or bottom line, it could be something deeper. Here are a few things that could possibly be the deeper issue:

  1. Feeling overwhelmed or overcommitted
  2. Lacking motivation or relevance
  3. Too much time or not enough
  4. Magnifying a task
  5. Unclear where to start
  6. You're afraid of success or failure
  7. You don't want to acknowledge your shortcomings
  8. You have an "all-or-nothing" mindset/Perfectionism
  9. You're too hard on yourself and lack enough self compassion
  10. Acceptance of Another’s Goals
  11. Fear of the unknown
  12. Evaluation anxiety

Feeling Overwhelmed or Overcommitted?

The task in its entirety may feel huge, but take a moment to look at it from a 30,000 ft view. Once there break it down into a few manageable chunks. Evaluate thee chunks and prioritize them. Once you have your top priority, break those down into manageable chunks as well. From there you can plan what you can take on and complete on a day to day basis. Do this with the other chunks once complete. Once we have split it down into smaller activities, it is much easier to tackle. 

Lacking Relevance or Motivation?

If something is neither relevant nor meaningful to you personally, it may be difficult to get motivated even to begin. When this happens, typically we allow ourselves to become distracted by something that does or that's more interesting. What you have to do here is link it to something that IS meaningful and DOES motivate you. So what motivates you? Be creative, and think, how can THIS particular task serve me in the bigger picture of what does motivate me? How does it achieve the bigger goal that I've no problem taking action on?

Too Much or Not Enough Time

It's easy to push something off especially when the deadline seems far enough off and safe enough away. If you know that you typically procrastinate as a result of this, the trick is simply to give yourself a sooner deadline.

Now if you feel you DON'T have enough time, ask yourself: Where is all my time really going? Technology is a huge culprit in today's society. It's easy to be distracted by it. Did you know studies show that 205 billion emails are sent every single day–most emails are business/consumption related. This doesn't include notifications that are sent via social media devices. There is a chemical reaction to notifications that takes place in our brains: “Dopamine loops” are what’s responsible for our constant desire to seek information and communication, which is why we may feel 'compelled' to check our email and social media accounts, or surf the internet. This is just one example, there could be a wide myriad of things, work, coworkers, employees, spouses, kids, animals, etc. We are all plagued by this, but we must un-train ourselves of this bad habit!

Or it could be more insidious, in that we are being distracted by things we are dwelling on. This can consume hours but feel like only minutes... And if you're now becoming aware of that, we realize that dwelling or worrying is like a rocking chair, lots of movement, but not going anywhere. Everyone in today's society has an overwhelming amount of things to do, the question is, what's consuming your time that may not REALLY be serving you and how can you do less of it? You can create more time than you realize by eliminating distractions, whether it be internal or external, and by harnessing a more empowered and resourceful state of mind. Check out my webinar for more on this! 

Magnifying a task

This is one I was all too guilty of. At times we can make a task seem harder than it actually is. This especially seems to be the case the more we put something off. We can delay starting a task as it seems too big, then the longer we leave it, the more daunting it can seem. The KEY insight here is to realize that what this means is that we are EXPECTING a task to be arduous, hard or painful. We are envisioning worst case scenario. We are living that worst case scenario in are mind OVER and OVER again. The longer we put it off, the bigger it gets, the more the negative feelings towards it build up and it becomes even more intimidating. Finally we become guilty for having put it off for so long. There are four tricks to this. The first is awareness! The second is to imagine what could go RIGHT because our expectations largely dictates our outcome. The third is to manage our reaction. So in the case that the less than desired scenarios occur, ask yourself:

How could this have been worse?

What can I learn from this?

How can I use it to my advantage?

And what would a more empowered reaction be and what would that feel like?

The fourth trick is to take the first step, however small, and go into it with the most empowered frame of mind as possible. Once you start it, you will usually find it was nowhere near as hard as you thought. 

Also, take a moment to examine your past of all the negative things. Because expecting something bad, is a result of fear. That fear is a result of a build up of negative past emotional events. What can you reframe as not that bad in the grand scheme of things? What's the positive lesson or gift as a result that can lessen the charge around those events? It may sometimes take training on our part, but it can be done! Check out my webinar for more on this! 

To Be Continued...

PS. If you're curious about my services, please don't hesitate to contact me or CLICK HERE for more info!

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The Psychology Behind A 'Hater'

Here's the thing, love them, hate them, 'haters' are people just like us. They were born into the world full of pure love, excitement and potential just like us. But the problem is that somewhere along the way two thing happened. The first is that they learned was how to handle stress and stimuli in an un-resourceful way.  That's right, they Learned it. Because when we're born into this world, we are helpless not only for food, water and shelter, but also for social cues. From the moment we're born, we are watching and learning how we walk, talk, interact and respond. Our minds aren't yet developed enough for complete thought, however we are looking for patterns. We're learning the patterns of our parents, and we begin to mimic them. We are learning from parents what causes pleasure and pain, and what to avoid and what not to avoid.  When we see a stress or stimuli to avoid, we're also learning to mimic our parents' response. When we wanted attention, we also learned that disruption was the best way. As we grew up, they learn hate, envy, jealously, pettiness, oppression, passive aggression and so on. Yet some of us have learned, either from our family or on our own, how to hand stresses and stimuli in a healthier and more resourceful way then others have.

The second thing that happened is as they grew up, they tried to escape it. Some inner part of them knew that there was a better way, yet their hopes were squashed. And because they didn't learn how to handle the stresses and stimuli in a resourceful way, they quit. They learned that the safest thing was to fall in line with the rest. To be middle of the road and to run in line with the pack. People unconsciously fear those who change or go against the grain of norm. If they criticize you and either you listen or fail, you validate their limitations. But if they criticize you and you win, you validate their mediocrity. That they gave up on their dreams. That they gave up on themselves. To numb that pain, many have even wrapped themselves up in an insulated layer of self righteous indignation. They may have learned to be self righteous from their parents and don't even know why they do it, but they and their parents have done it for so long it's the norm. They don't accept other, because they don't accept their true selves.

People like this, while they may even be accomplished, it isn't without great costs. A lot of energy is wasted on these low vibration, negative emotions. They never feel good enough. They may constantly feel the need for approval and/or admiration. A lot of energy is wasted focusing on what other people are doing, and justifying how they are wrong. While they may have accomplished things, they didn't have the courage to step out of their own box, to play bigger or pull away from the pack. They've spent their lives doing what society tells them they should do vice pursuing their own dreams.  They've settled. All in all it's a painful way to live.

Knowing all this, it's best to step back physically and emotionally. Wrap them in a blanket of empathy and understanding.  Dial down your attention to their verbal chatter. See them for what they are, and wish them well. Then get out there and focus on making your own shit happen, and never stop or look back. Because  if you do, you know what may be in store for you.

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If You Don't Change Your Beliefs, Your Life Will Be Like This Forever. Is That Good News?

Regardless of who you are, what you have or don't have and what you have or haven't accomplished, if the answer is anything less than a resounding "YES," then this is for you. Whether you want more out of life, or have everything you want but aren't yet feeling fulfilled, the issue is still one in the same: our beliefs and subsequent thoughts, expectations and habits. Because our beliefs are responsible for our thoughts, our emotions, our actions and our habits.

Keep in mind though, there's nothing wrong with wanting more out of life, it's ingrained into the DNA of every living being. Even plants want more out of life which is why if you put them in a window, over time they'll turn outward to the sun! It's how we see the things we want, or don't have.  Is what you have or what you've accomplished ever good enough? When was the last time you really stopped to celebrate without feeling guilty? What's it mean that you haven't yet accomplished your next goal? That you aren't where you think in your mind where you should be? Think about it, you can spend the rest of your life hitting milestone after milestone, the next one being bigger and badder than the last, and all you're doing is raising the goal post and never really taking time to be fulfilled or satisfied with your accomplishments.  OR you could be so run down by 'life', that you may have stopped trying and feel you may never be good enough. Do you see how they're both opposite sides of the same coin? What's it going to costing you to spend the rest of your life with that kind of mindset? What's it cost you already? What are all the things you'd be missing out on?

The good news is that by reading this, you've already taken the first step! Because if you're reading this, it means you're already aware that something needs to change and you're ready for it! The next step is to take inventory of our beliefs:

What are my beliefs about success and fulfillment?

How are those beliefs affecting my life?

Are they serving me?

 

What are my beliefs about failure and being good enough?

Where did I get those belief's from?

How have I let them run and drive my life?

Are they still serving me?

What's the positive intention of those beliefs?

What's a new and healthier way to express those intentions?

The byproduct of you having thoughtfully journaled the answers to all of these questions, is the creation of new beliefs. After doing this exercise, it's easy to understand more deeply how critical our beliefs are to not just our results, but also our happiness, isn't it?

I remember working with a young woman who was competing, who had everything working in her favor to be number one yet she was falling short. When we got to the root of the problem, she realized that her old beliefs around success and fulfillment was that she had to play small in order to be loved and accepted. When she let that go, she found herself showing up in new and bigger ways and no longer subconsciously afraid to play big and win!

Our beliefs drive out thoughts, emotions, action, results and our success/failure habits. Our awareness of them and our willingness to dig deep to uncover and then own them is KEY to level of success and fulfillment we will enjoy for the rest of our lives!

How Your Expectations Are Holding You Back

I've been faced with a 1000 obstacles, setbacks, things that didn't work out, and the BS and criticism that came with it. At times, it doesn't matter who you are, how much you've accomplished, how much you believe, sometimes it weighs on you. Sometimes when it's happened so much, you start buying into the stories that go with it. The most insidious part of it all, is you start expecting the same story...

 What story are you hoping for and what story are you actually expecting?? Because we all hope for the best, but what are you really expecting? That subtle distinction is one of the main roots to our sabotage.  The fatal flaw in our attempts to achieve our goals and dreams! Because we're setting ourselves up out of the gate for disappointment. Because when you don't expect to win, you tap into a fraction of your potential. When you tape into a fraction of your potential, you only take a fraction of the action.  When you take a fraction of the action, guess what, NOW you're playing small. And how's that working out for you?

Catch yourself. Call yourself out if you are anticipating or expecting anything short of victory. Go a step further and reframe what it means to achieve your biggest goals. Because even if you stretch and put yourself out there, but fall fall short, realize that you went so much farther than you expected that you could, that anyone else may have been expecting and what most people are even trying for. Put yourself out there fully, and be prepared to fall in love with whatever results you get.

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How Your Limiting Beliefs Are CRUSHING You

Have you undermined your worth? Is your own self doubt killing your career?

The fatal flaw is that we were taught at a very young age to listen, believe and even subjugate ourselves to authority figures: parents, guardians, and teachers. They were right, don't be wrong, or some form of punishment would be delivered. Every day, assignments would be given to us and grades on our ability would be assigned. This was our lives for 18+ years. Is it any wonder that the same mentality is carried with us into our careers? Don't be wrong or punishment will ensue, and allowing someone else to assign value to our work and our worth. But we're adults now... we know teachers, we know parents and we know guardians... are they always right? They most definitely aren't. We disagree with them frequently don't we? How many parents have disagreed with a teacher, or a teacher disagreed with a parent? Questioned their validity? Yet when it comes to US and our careers and our lives, are we doing the same thing? Perhaps, but in many cases no because we've been programed for 18+ years.

The first step is to become aware. To really see people as they are. To see the emperor who 'wears no clothes.' To see where we are following blindly. To question the validity. To make our OWN decisions and decide if they are in alignment with what is being 'assigned' to you. The next step is to become aware of the specific limiting belief or the story we let others convince us and that we subsequently adopted to ourselves. Finally, we process and CRUSH that limiting belief! Only THEN can we  truly see our own REAL worth, and it's more brilliant than you imagined! When you know your worth, you contribute your FULL value. When you contribute your full value, then you will RECEIVE that value in return.

Aren't you tired of your limiting beliefs are crushing you? It's now time you crush them instead, isn't it? 

Why You Have Limiting Beliefs

When we toss the shrouds of our limiting beliefs, we are free to do, to BE and to give without any fear, reservation or want...

The challenge is that with every circumstance, person or obstacle that we face on an hourly bases colors our thoughts and leads a shade of it's nature on us. If we encounter a low, narrow or mean entity, it weighs on us or exhausts us. When we we encounter an entity that is aspiring, powerful and forward moving it fills and rejuvenates us. However we are mostly unconscious to the subtle shifts that we experience. And if we are surrounded by negativity, it's no wonder that we become so drained and exhausted at the end of the day. Over time it weakens us, and we either check out as to avoid the pain or we continue to resist and the constant, low grade gnawing at our spirit creates unrest, irritability and dis-ease in our body. In that subtle moment when we decide to do one or the other, limiting beliefs are formed. We begin to dwell on what worries us, we fear misfortune and ultimately form a troublesome state of mind which weakens and paralyzes us. It's why moments of breakthrough and inspiration seem to not last or at times fleeting...

That's why it's so important to have a daily practice of feeding our mind with positivity, of ensuring our environment and the company we keep serves to uplift us, and to leave things better than you found it, or another person better for encountering you. All of which fortifies a powerful and limitless state of mind!

When Passion Dies: The Unspoken Truth

How wide's the gap between your dreams and your reality in relation to the level of your passion?

The fact of the matter is, the more passionate you are, the more energy you have towards achieving your dreams and desires! However as time goes by and this passion is never harnessed, like anything else, it stagnates.  It can either becomes bitter and cynical or it turns numb and apathetic rather than feel the pain, shame or guilt of not having achieved our deepest desires. It's why we should feel compassion to people who display these attitudes, because no one is born that way, they became that way from the pain and disappointment. However, contrary to popular beliefs, 'life' didn't turn them that way. 'Life' didn't happen to them. Their limiting beliefs which dictates thought, which in turn dictates our attitudes and subsequent decisions and actions are what turned them that way.  Because life happens to everyone.  Because no matter who you are and what you've been through, there is always someone worse off than us that has a better attitude.

So if you're reading this, and either you or you knows someone experiencing this, the first step really to bring aware to them of their own mindset. Of the power of being at cause vice effect. Or another way of saying it is a responsibility frame vice a victim frame of mind. Here are two short sentences to illustrate the point quickly:

Responsibility Frame: I was riding my motorcycle home, and I neglected to take a better look both ways and failed to notice the truck speeding through the intersection in time to serve, slow or stop.

Victim Frame: Some idiot driving a truck was either too much in a rush or not paying enough attention and ran a red light and hit me while I was on my motorcycle.

True story by the way! Both are the same players, same circumstance, and same very same vehicles, yet very different frames of mind. Which frame of mind has the most power??

The difficulty is being in many cases, depending on how close to them you are, sometimes getting them to listening can be challenging as I'm sure you may have experienced with your own family. The best thing to do is support them and direct them to third party sources that teach this.

It's easy to feel alone, and unsupported or surrounded by negativity sometimes but that doesn't have to be the case. 

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The Fatal Flaw of Our Most Well Meant Intentions and Our Biggest Goals

If your actions don't match up with your words to others, it's because it's matching up instead with what you're secretly saying to yourself.

This is the fatal flaw of the most well meant intentions and our biggest goals. Whatever you're trying to achieve, if your beliefs and and intentions aren't fully aligned, you've more then likely faced detour after detour, setback after setback.  This happens because the underlying belief driving you in this area was formed at such a young age  during a time  when you only had a fraction of the resources that you have today,  yet the  program was never updated. The biggest clue is when you are asking yourself, "what's showing up in the context of (whatever it is you're trying to achieve)" and if the answers aren't that you're hitting more milestones then setbacks, chances are, there's issues. The reality of the matter is that whatever results you have, your beliefs created it.

If this sounds all to familiar, the first step is awareness that something's out of place. Get somewhere quiet, take a pen and paper with you, set a timer for 15 minutes, ask yourself, "In the context of (whatever goal your trying to achieve) what's been showing up? What's been my result so far?" Put the pen on the paper and just free flow write and don't stop even if you're find yourself repeating something. Write! For anyone who want real clarity and even better results, this exercise is exceptionally simple, yet illuminating! With someone I just worked with just last week, she uncovered that what was driving her was a deep sense of indignation and subsequent rebellion as a result of being deeply wrong as a child.

Please feel free to like and share, and also don't hesitate to private message me if you have any questions! Have a great day!

One Simple, Yet Monumental Way That We Insult Ourselves Unknowingly And Repeatedly

How often do you compare yourself to others? Let me ask a different question: How often are you AWARE that your having thoughts of comparing yourself to others. See most people have these thoughts so frequently, and they've done it for so long, that we aren't even AWARE of it!

The irony of the whole situation, is that no matter who you are, how much you have, what you've accomplished or how you look - Everyone is STILL so busy comparing themselves to everyone else. While you may see something in someone else you wished you had, they may be looking at you and thinking the very same thing about another trait that YOU have! Or they may be so wrapped up in their own thoughts, in their own world, that they haven't the slightest awareness to what your insecurities may be And if they knew our innermost insecurity, they'd probably think it was the silliest thing - because we've made a mountain out of a mole hill in our own minds.

And frankly, EVERY single person has a uniqueness about them that you can't find anywhere else. That can't be copied or mimicked. We're MADE that way. To focus on someone else's uniqueness is to diminish our own. To diminish our own is to keep us from contributing to society, our family, our planet, or to ourselves in the fullest and biggest way possible. It keeps us small.

Why would we ever choose to do that from this moment on?

Remember: YOU. OWN. THIS.

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What Would Happen If You DIDN'T Fear Being Discouraged?

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How many of you have or are current contemplating a career, degree or job change? It takes courage to leave something especially when you know you have friends and family that will judge or criticize you under the guise of concern. It's fear and resignation that causes someone to stay if they don't love it. 

I left the military after 10 years and didn't know what I wanted to do. My original plan was to stay for life, but as it happens, life changes. I shifted from one thing to the next and I'm not afraid to say it. I was figuring things out. Researching through action! I also gained a deeper knowledge in industries such as finances and investment, health and wellness, psychology and neuroscience that will serve me throughout my life that most people never will.

Here's the thing, our lifespans have dramatically increased. That means our PRODUCTIVE years are between age 20-70.

Yes, people won't want to 'work' in the latter part, but the reality is, many of us will, either because we have to, we want to or both. So if you spend 10 years in a career, another 5 figuring out others, that means you still have 70% of your productive life to go!! Why NOT spend it doing what you love? Why NOT spend the time figuring out what you want to be doing for the rest of your life?

How many people actually figure out what they want at such a young and inexperienced age? It takes courage to leave something especially when you know you have friends and family that will judge or criticize you under the guise of concern. It's fear and resignation that causes someone to stay if they don't love it. Picking a career without trying it is like judging a book by it's cover, or a movie by it's trailer... Would you recommend a restaurant or a particular dish without tasting it first? I think not. Kudos to those who got it right though!

I've always done my own thing and endured both spoken and implied criticism for it. People unconsciously fear those who change or go against the grain of norm. If they criticize you and either you listen or fail, you validate their limitations. But if they criticize you and you win, you validate their mediocrity...

So here's to all the people that have and have had the courage to follow their heart!! What other people think of us, is none of our concern and frankly none of our damn business!

- Jade Goodhue

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Become Unf*ckwithable

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How would you rate your the level in which you actually love all aspects of yourself? Your mind? Your body? Your spirit? Think it's ok to neglect one? If so, then by that same logic, you think your car can run perfectly fine with 3 good tires and one flat one.

Regarding your Body: How would you rate the quality of the food and drinks you take? The substances you put into or expose your body to? How fit is your body? 

Your Mind: What kind of books or moviesdo you fill your mind with? What conversations do you entertain with others and yourself? How committed are you to increasing your body of knowledge and assimilating it into useful application?

Your Spirit: How much of your accomplishments do you celebrate? How much credit do you give yourself? Are you your biggest critic? How is your relationship with a higher power?

My body is my temple. My mind my most invaluable asset. My weak link at times however is my spirit.  I'm my biggest critic.  I don't give myself much credit. Nor do I spend nearly as much time celebrating my own accomplishments.  In the past I've allowed others to have power over me by letting them use my own self criticism against me. All others had to do was tell me the same 'stories' I was already telling myself. This in turn only served to validate my own 'story' even more. Then one day I realized that it wasn't the situation or other person that was causing me angst, it was my own criticism of myself that was causing it! Lewis B. Smedes once said that 'to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.'

Power is such an interesting concept. It's ALL built around our own perception. If I cower because I perceive another as more powerful or intimidating, it's because I lent them my fear and insecurity which gave rise to their power. Which means WE alone are in control of our feels and our destiny through our perception and frame of mind. This was one of my biggest downfalls, and my most profound shifts to taking care of my spirit.

The person who is sound of mind, body and spirit is beyond reproach. You can't taint the person who knows HOW to learn from their mistakes. You can't unarm the person who uses the application of knowledge as a shield. You can't shame or guilt the person who’s accepted their past and taken ownership of their response and contribution. Nor can you control or intimidate the person who doesn’t accept your frame of thought.

Everyone could stand to love themselves more in either their body, mind or spirit. Like a car, if one wheel is not functioning as well as the other, then soon the car will become out of alignment and other issues will soon manifest itself and follow. Put another way, any denial otherwise of this has created a ticking time bomb. You don't know when something will go wrong, but you just guaranteed that something will. 

The best thing we can do to defuse this bomb and create a whole, healthy, efficient running system is by identifying our weaknesses and relearning how to deeply honor our mind, our body and our own spirit. By falling in love with taking care of every aspect of ourselves, we in essence become unfuckwithable ;).

- Jade Goodhue

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Life is Filled With Opportunities For Us To Conquer!

"A man who conquers himself is greater than one who conquers a thousand men."

In some context, to conquer means to take control of by force, in another, it is to successfully overcome a problem or weakness.  When it comes to the latter, life is filled with opportunities for us to conquer!!! We all have demons and doubts in our own mind, and there are definitely issues all around for us to overcome: a financial contingency, a loss of health, a dispute at home, with a friend or at work, a dispute between races, and even nations.

Yet, whatever it is that we face externally that is waiting for us to overcome, the process will go so much more smoothly if we first and foremost conquer that which is in us.

The mainstream thought process it deflect, avoid, blame or complain. Instead ask: How did I contribute to this situation? What could I have done better? What inside me caused me to react in way that was less than ideal? What lesson can I learn that will allow my to take ownership and thereby be even better in the future?

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- Jade Goodhue